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Do I Stay or Do I GO
Mar. 2nd, 2018 10:12 amI’ve been around for nearly 2 years now and it feels like it’s one constant failure after another becoming taxing on my mental health and body. While I’ve sacrificed and gave up a lot I don’t feel like I’ve made much traction. I’ve lost a lot of sleep and haven’t had an appetite in a few weeks. I’ll eat just enough to stay alive and that’s it.
My ridiculous cries for help on Twitter don’t go anywhere and are probably glossed over with only 1 or 2 people legitimately caring or thinking “there goes Taira again being overly dramatic”. I don’t socialize much, and when I do conversations tend to die fairly quickly leaving me to believe that I’m not interesting enough or easily forgotten. It’s a horrible feeling to have day in and day out. Calling it quits or taking a break is an option, but that makes me feel like I am running away from my problems.
How do I fix this?
Parts of this are realizing that I shouldn’t have given Yuuki a second chance. I never should have let her back in my life and she fucked me up more than I actually care to admit. It’s left me with a very sour taste in my mouth. Milk fucked me up too with constant flirting with other people directly in front of me without any shame or guilt and more than likely cheated on me with a guy who was a complete piece of shit. Although, that last part is mere speculation, but knowing they got together not long after we broke up leaves me with suspicion and when they broke up, he came crawling back to me expecting me to take him back. It's been one toxic relationship after another and apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. Between those relationships were one night stands with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to relieve the tension of feeling so alone along with developing feelings for some people along the way with rejection mixed in.
There is one person who I developed feelings for and who I felt very strongly about even though she was going through a rough time. I tried my best to help and when she agreed to date me I was really fucking happy. I fell hard for her, but it didn't seem mutual since she broke my heart not even a month into our relationship. After that and feeling like a wounded bird, we fought a lot in an attempt to be friends. I wanted to fix us, but she told me to move on. She said she didn't really want me to, but to do it anyway.
A few weeks after our breakup, I went to Bali and had a major mental breakdown and when I stepped back into Japan I still wasn't 100%. Still, I kept talking to my ex for a few more weeks, then decided to start dating someone new even though I probably wasn't ready to jump into something so quickly. I'm still not sure I'm ready or 100%, but have I ever been 100%? I'm confused and need to work on myself now more than ever.
Idealistically, I probably should have left a long time ago, but here I am still fighting and scraping along with whatever energy I can muster. It’s tearing me apart inside. Therapy is only doing so much, anti-depressants can only do so much and I refuse to take more pillls since I already have an addictive personality. So what else is there for me to do?
My ridiculous cries for help on Twitter don’t go anywhere and are probably glossed over with only 1 or 2 people legitimately caring or thinking “there goes Taira again being overly dramatic”. I don’t socialize much, and when I do conversations tend to die fairly quickly leaving me to believe that I’m not interesting enough or easily forgotten. It’s a horrible feeling to have day in and day out. Calling it quits or taking a break is an option, but that makes me feel like I am running away from my problems.
How do I fix this?
Parts of this are realizing that I shouldn’t have given Yuuki a second chance. I never should have let her back in my life and she fucked me up more than I actually care to admit. It’s left me with a very sour taste in my mouth. Milk fucked me up too with constant flirting with other people directly in front of me without any shame or guilt and more than likely cheated on me with a guy who was a complete piece of shit. Although, that last part is mere speculation, but knowing they got together not long after we broke up leaves me with suspicion and when they broke up, he came crawling back to me expecting me to take him back. It's been one toxic relationship after another and apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. Between those relationships were one night stands with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to relieve the tension of feeling so alone along with developing feelings for some people along the way with rejection mixed in.
There is one person who I developed feelings for and who I felt very strongly about even though she was going through a rough time. I tried my best to help and when she agreed to date me I was really fucking happy. I fell hard for her, but it didn't seem mutual since she broke my heart not even a month into our relationship. After that and feeling like a wounded bird, we fought a lot in an attempt to be friends. I wanted to fix us, but she told me to move on. She said she didn't really want me to, but to do it anyway.
A few weeks after our breakup, I went to Bali and had a major mental breakdown and when I stepped back into Japan I still wasn't 100%. Still, I kept talking to my ex for a few more weeks, then decided to start dating someone new even though I probably wasn't ready to jump into something so quickly. I'm still not sure I'm ready or 100%, but have I ever been 100%? I'm confused and need to work on myself now more than ever.
Idealistically, I probably should have left a long time ago, but here I am still fighting and scraping along with whatever energy I can muster. It’s tearing me apart inside. Therapy is only doing so much, anti-depressants can only do so much and I refuse to take more pillls since I already have an addictive personality. So what else is there for me to do?
