berabbter | Recent Entries

Looks like someone has been leaking my tweets. I don’t care and all the anger and hate you have towards me now isn’t going to serve anyone any good

Of course I can’t forget, but I am not going to fester in hatred and anger

My anxiety has always been a battle before, during and after, but jumping to conclusions also doesn’t help either cause there’s always the possibility it wasn’t about you. Not everything is about you. The world doesn’t revolve around you and making me into the bad guy isn’t gonna work, cause my friends know me. I never stopped you from doing what you wanted and if I tried, you’d do it anyway so it was futile regardless of my opinion
I’m not the one who purposely flirted with other people to get your attention. I’m not the one who admitted that I liked making you jealous. . You did that. You flirted with other people to get my attention and make me jealous, you admitted you liked making me jealous and reflecting on that now it’s manipulative and disgusting
The reason we got back together was cause I was told I’m no good on my own and I believed it and I thought we could fix things
But that’s not true either anymore. We were done for a long time and I should have let sleeping dogs lie, instead I tried beating a dead horse at my own expense and yours. I could have saved us a shit ton of problems if I stayed true to myself in June. Yeah, I was hurting. I did hurt. I hurt for a long time, too long and I hurt you in the process, but instead of focusing on me and being bitter look towards something better
And hey, you still have a job too.
I must not be that big of an asshole
Xoxo

Kiss Rich Yack

Current Music: Radiohead

Rather than feeling sorry for myself, I have been distracting myself with my guitar and practice. It's difficult after only being one day and despite how upset I was at first now there is a small hint of relief.
Don't want anything to do with her, but that's hard cause we work for the same brand but I'll just have other people talk to her and keep myself scarce
There's betrayal
& I've decided to focus on myself
No fleeting flights of fancy

No being a complete fucking idiot & I'm incredibly lucky to have the friends I do at this point

If it weren't for them I would have quit, gave up and gave in

Love is something that can be attained so easily and at the exact same time be so unobtainable.

It’s the warmth that is sustaining, yet sand that slips between your fingers. It grows into a beautiful, vibrant plant, but without the proper care is withered and dead.
My brain is so fucked up that I can’t think straight. I feel numb and broken, and so far gone from the person I used to be. My insecurities shine brightly despite trying to hide them.
Change meds, begin therapy and realize you’re more fucked up than you originally thought.
My scars run deep, ever since childhood and just working through those
Is exhausting.
Being half
Dropping out of school
Band breakups probably cause of my attitude
Relationship breakups because of my insecurities
& now I feel lost in this haze.
Broken

Discarded

Trash

Worthless

Hopeless.

I was going through a lot of shit at the time and you were there for me. I thought I was ready for a relationship, but I wasn’t. I mistook your affection and trust. I broke your heart and I do feel bad about it, but I don’t know how capable of love I am – or the love you need. I’m broken, I’ll always be broken and there isn’t anything anyone can do to fix it. You triggered a lot of different emotions in me… good, bad, indifferent, anger, passion, lust, and so many more. You are intense, really intense and I don’t think that’s something I can handle at least not that intensity

You are beautiful, amazing, and a lovely person. You’ll find someone – someone better than me and better than I could ever be

With every relationship I get in to or out of, it comes with it’s own set of unhealthy characteristics –it’s holding a grudge, to wanting to kick the shit outta my sister cause she gave me a hug, to purposely trying to make me jealous every chance possible. I feel like I’m fucking cursed and there’s no way out of this endless cycle of self induced misery. I put myself on the line every time to find something worth while, something to keep a hold of, but I feel my fingers begin to slip and my feelings waiver in and out of happiness. Maybe it’s my depression or still lusting for a fix.
It’s hard to look forward and so fucking easy to turn back to the self indulgent piece of shit addict of months ago, but some would say I am still a piece of shit despite sobriety.

Whenever someone likes your tweet, it ends up on my timeline and brings back a flood of emotions – emotions that I still feel. My feelings haven’t wavered in the slightest, but there isn’t anything I feel I can do to repair what damage has been done. My heart aches and even though I’ve been in an attempt to “move on” it’s more than a little difficult. I find myself thinking about you often and our late night conversations. I continue to rack myself with guilt even though I was told to move on and then guilt tripped and blamed for doing just that.

No amounts of words can express my feelings, the pain that I still feel for so many reasons, but of course it’s my own fault. I didn’t lie when I said I love you, and I’m not lying now when I say I still mean it. Yet, there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it except try to push forward.

Take it as you will, but know I am sorry for putting us both through this; for being stubborn, an asshole and inconsiderate of how you potentially felt for me despite your words of telling me to move on.

It’s been 3 months and I’m still haunted. I lock myself away in the studio or find myself in the spot I can find solitude without city lights polluting the sky where the night sky is clear, the stars are visible and the moon bright, thinking maybe we are looking at it at the same time.

I’ve been around for nearly 2 years now and it feels like it’s one constant failure after another becoming taxing on my mental health and body. While I’ve sacrificed and gave up a lot I don’t feel like I’ve made much traction. I’ve lost a lot of sleep and haven’t had an appetite in a few weeks. I’ll eat just enough to stay alive and that’s it.

My ridiculous cries for help on Twitter don’t go anywhere and are probably glossed over with only 1 or 2 people legitimately caring or thinking “there goes Taira again being overly dramatic”. I don’t socialize much, and when I do conversations tend to die fairly quickly leaving me to believe that I’m not interesting enough or easily forgotten. It’s a horrible feeling to have day in and day out. Calling it quits or taking a break is an option, but that makes me feel like I am running away from my problems.

How do I fix this?

Parts of this are realizing that I shouldn’t have given Yuuki a second chance. I never should have let her back in my life and she fucked me up more than I actually care to admit. It’s left me with a very sour taste in my mouth. Milk fucked me up too with constant flirting with other people directly in front of me without any shame or guilt and more than likely cheated on me with a guy who was a complete piece of shit. Although, that last part is mere speculation, but knowing they got together not long after we broke up leaves me with suspicion and when they broke up, he came crawling back to me expecting me to take him back. It's been one toxic relationship after another and apparently I didn’t learn my lesson. Between those relationships were one night stands with copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to relieve the tension of feeling so alone along with developing feelings for some people along the way with rejection mixed in.
There is one person who I developed feelings for and who I felt very strongly about even though she was going through a rough time. I tried my best to help and when she agreed to date me I was really fucking happy. I fell hard for her, but it didn't seem mutual since she broke my heart not even a month into our relationship. After that and feeling like a wounded bird, we fought a lot in an attempt to be friends. I wanted to fix us, but she told me to move on. She said she didn't really want me to, but to do it anyway.
A few weeks after our breakup, I went to Bali and had a major mental breakdown and when I stepped back into Japan I still wasn't 100%. Still, I kept talking to my ex for a few more weeks, then decided to start dating someone new even though I probably wasn't ready to jump into something so quickly. I'm still not sure I'm ready or 100%, but have I ever been 100%? I'm confused and need to work on myself now more than ever.

Idealistically, I probably should have left a long time ago, but here I am still fighting and scraping along with whatever energy I can muster. It’s tearing me apart inside. Therapy is only doing so much, anti-depressants can only do so much and I refuse to take more pillls since I already have an addictive personality. So what else is there for me to do?

4 months
4 months clean now
And I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve been doing it mostly alone with some encouragement from Chiaki and Erichan peppered in along with therapy

9B2 was started in part to keep me busy, part to fulfill my own designing dreams, and part to distance myself from my past life of drugs and mitsu. 2018 is a new Taira and I mean it. Of course, I’m gonna have hard days, but I can’t damage my body with that shit anymore or have the people I care about worried I’ll do some thing dumb like OD.

ODing is what brought me to my senses in the first place. I don’t want to go back to that and I’m not going to.

In recent years, I have learned a lot about kindness, sincerity and so many things I cannot find the words for As a bandman, we are like actors playing a specific character to appease our audience, our fans. It gets tiresome and lonely. Often, I think of opening up and showing people the real me, but my anxiety gets in the way. I worry about frivilous things, by shining the smallest of lights into who I am will destroy that ideal image – the deviant, piece of shit or rebellious reputation I have built. The guy who is most definitely an addict of some type, and yeah I am. I’ve been trying to change. I’ve stopped my most dangerous of habits that left me shaking, irritable, lashing out on people I really care about, and often curled up on the bathroom floor because moving away from the toilet was too difficult. The typical withdrawl symptoms associated with my drug of choice and the thought of slipping back to it lingers. Some days more than others. If I stay busy, I can’t think about it, which leads to sleepless nights doing random projects. When I do sleep, it’s not fulfilling and being alone makes it all the worse. . I wanna show the real me without worries or anxiety. I wanna show love and be loved for me and not the character on stage. So, I open up, let my guard down and hope for the best.

Current Mood: indescribable

It's been quite some time since my last post of sappy shit. Well, it's over. I suppose I owe an explanation? My “girlfriend” has disappeared for a second time without notice, of course So, the only logical thing is to move on The first time was 2 months of radio silence with her coming back on my birthday and like a fucking idiot, I took her back no questions asked Convinced myself I was in love and even made the decision to move in with her, despite better judgement from friends. Now, it’s been 1.5 months of silence. I have moved my shit out and back to my old place (cause I never really gave it up and was living rent-free with her). I confused lust for love, but that’s done now Hopefully, I learned my lesson of being manipulated and taken for granted, but only time will tell

Current Music: Nirvana

This is too sappy for Twitter. it was love at first sight. And from that point, I knew you would be mine. From the first drop of blood, sweat, and tears. Highs and lows. Arguments and make-ups. Lazy days and busy nights. And a happiness I can’t seem to shake. I don’t want to let go. I won’t let go.

It’s not all about sex, it’s the attention, affection, companionship I crave. Yet, I always find myself in situations where the likelihood of something “more” is most likely not going to happen. I have no one to blame but myself and putting myself into these situations and with the admission of feelings almost always leads to rejection despite spilling my heart, my regrettable mistakes and how much those thing have hurt and hindered me. I am human, I make mistakes and often bad choices but those things shouldn’t be held against me when I try to show I am sincere. Those decisions I have made don’t define me. They don’t make up who I am, but those decisions are held over my head like a looming storm. I can smell the rain and know the storm is coming, but there is nothing I can do to stop it. How can we possibly move forward if the past is always brought up in the present?

Sometimes the most minor of incidents can cause the biggest impact. Good and/or Bad. Regardless of the outcome, I keep going. No matter how Lost I bcome , I will find myself again. I am overthinking, over-analyzing every mistake and misstep and wonder if those things could have prevented me from being the person I am now… The person I am now… A person constantly searching until he’s satisfied; persistant and emotional when I don’t get my way like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum… A person who surrounds himself around great friends, but likes coming home for time to be creative. There is still so much to learn… Are U Ready?

I want to feel your skin beneath my fingertips, The breath against my skin. I want to taste the alcohol on your lips. I want to watch the world spin, to see through blurred lenses and hold your hand in mine. I want to walk the beach and feel the sand beneath my toes, the water sneaking its way towards us and wash over us while we gaze at the stars. But it’s only a fantasy

Current Music: Snow Patrol "Chasing Cars"

In the span of five days, a lot of things have changed.
But it is what it is. You chose what you did and have to live with that.

For so many reasons it was wrong.
But you have to live with that.

Love is something that I have found once,
But haven’t since 2010.
That’s when it all fell apart
A piece of my heart was lost forever.

Now I am searching for that piece of my heart I lost,
But I know it can’t be completely filled and rather than waiting, I force the issue.

I’m pushy, clingy, sleazy, aggressive, troublesome and have less than stellar track record.
But despite those faults, I have a sentimental, affectionate, decent heart that yearns for something more than a one night stand or passing fling.